Perhaps I’m just feeling weary. But the burdens on my heart feel a little heavier today. And although things are generally going quite well and there’s progress and hope, there are things I’m priming myself to say that makes me miss being held and embraced by someone I love.
I hope that I have the wisdom to know how to love my children when I do have children. As for this present moment, I don’t feel like my parents know how to love me. I appreciate so much my mum’s generosity, her willingness to give and give, to sacrifice herself for others; but right now, I just want to be held. I appreciate so much my dad’s willingness to serve, to earn us a very decent living, to give advice and assist whenever he can; but right now, I wish he’d just sit and listen to the pains of my childhood, my past, our past, and the great pains I take to overcompensate in order to feel adequate enough.
This feeling of inadequacy began early on, partly because my dad was not very present in my life. I’d have 2 weeks with him during school holidays, then the director would say ‘cut’, and I would be back on my own, holding back tears and the piercing feeling of someone departing from me.
I remember weeping and grieving bitterly (ugly crying) in the presence of both two people I loved dearly in my past. One, because we were forced to not be together. The other, because of long-distance, and I just couldn’t bear to be apart from her. And I wonder if the immense hurt in my heart – like a knife scorching its way through my chest – is derived from all the times I had to suffer inwardly as I said goodbye to my dad. I had to return to being the ‘man of the house’, the brother, the ‘replacement husband’ and comforter of my mum, and still maintain my status as a good son.
It was unfair to lay these hurts and expectations unknowingly onto those I dated. But deep down, I was really hurting and I buried it deep. I found a mask to wear towards the end of high school. A mask that was social, extroverted – a jokester with big hair. And I worked hard to get good at school and obtain some of the best marks in the State.
In my prayer and meditation, it seems I’m gradually diving back into the depths of my past to uncover the reason perhaps why I take my relationships so seriously and wholeheartedly; and consequently, why it takes so long for me to move on. Not that that is wrong per se, but I was subconsciously yearning for someone, pining for a bond, hoping with all my heart that the one I love would not leave me.
Music helped me to express the inexplicable through sounds, harmonies, and beautiful melodies. But I needed to dig beyond the surface and find the mines of bruises and unhealed gashes that had been gleaned over.
And so, whenever I feel weary, these things come back up. And all I want is to retreat into the arms and the warmth of someone who would not leave.
As for now, I’ll just listen to The Lumineers and wait for sleep to wash over me.